Petty Revenge

So, I think that I would make a good reality show. My reality show will be far more interesting than anything that you will see on most channels. I won't be "looking for love." No one on my show will be awarded a job, money or willingly ingest bugs. No, my show would be oh, so much better. My show would be about exacting revenge upon those I feel have wronged me. Normal people just generally don't get to exact revenge. If you get dumped via email, you are stuck with that. There is nothing you can do. No counterattack. No recourse. But my show would provide that. I would get the final say. Here are some ideas I have so far.

For the asshole that lived next to me in college that did not respect the sanctity of the Finals Silence or understand how to turn an alarm clock off when leaving for class, the weekend, whatever: I will award this gem of a person with my favorite rooster. Have fun!

For the guy that stood me up claiming he had a concussion and didn't remember making the date: cancellation of all of those hard to get appointments for a month. That dentist appointment? Oops, head injury. Forgot. The hair stylist for your oh so precious highlights? Oopsy. Gone. Cable TV hookup? Not happening. Anything you scheduled? Gone.

The following are some people very deserving of petty revenge. I haven't really worked out what to do to them, but something. must. be. done. I am open to suggestions.

• The guy that spread the rumor that I stuffed my bra. Ah, yes, that year when I was greeted by choruses (chori?) of the Charmin theme song every time I entered a room was really fun. You deserve some petty revenge as a thank you.
• The mean ballet teacher that locked me in a closet for talking at the barre. Hello? Five year olds? Talk to their friends. This isn't Julliard freak lady.
• The asshole who painted Small Dick across the passenger side door of my cute little purple Neon. And by the way, the Monkey Attack Victim is a girl. It's just silly, really. Bitch would have been much more acceptible. Or slut. Or even whore. But small dick? On a Neon? It just makes no sense. And plus, I got a weird looking sunburn due to the eight hours it took to get the silly words off my door.

Perhaps Petty Revenge will become a regular topic in this blog. Please, I am open to any suggestions for petty revenge ideas for these very deserving individuals. Oh, and if you have anyone that deserves a heaping spoonful of petty revenge, please, do share. I enjoy a good grudge. But not the Grudge. That movie sucked. I was confused as to why Buffy was in Japan pretending to be a social worker. I mean, really, SMG was totally wearing the same sweater she had on when she told Riley that his stupid friend had been killed by Adam.

But yeah, a Petty Revenge reality show would be awesome. If anyone has a reality show producer connection, hook a Victim up.