I Must Look Like An Ant To You

There are two types of people in this world: those that drive Vehicles Of unnecessary Size (VOUS's) and those that don't. VOUS's include all those gigantic SUV's, trucks, Hummers, 18-wheelers, etc. Apparently, the destination of any given VOUS is far superior to that of a non-VOUS. This can be evidenced by the carefree manner in which VOUS's cut off, pull out in front off, almost hit, and basically just ignore the existence of non-VOUS's. The lack of consideration is not even limited to automobiles; it also extends to pedestrians, animals and curbs (though curbs don't really have a destination so much as just a location). At such towering heights the rest of us are left to feel like helpless ants in the shadow of the giant VOUS's.

For example, today, I was exiting a store. Before I stepped off the sidewalk, I looked both ways. A VOUS was about 20 yards away and headed toward me. This seemed to be a safe distance for crossing, so I proceeded toward my car. As I was about halfway across, now directly in front of the VOUS, the driver punched the gas and came barreling before me, completely oblivious to me as she spoke on her cell phone. Apparently, she had somewhere that was far more important that some pedestrian attempting to scramble out of the way of certain death while wearing too high heels.

When you ask a VOUS driver why they choose such a ginormous vehicle, you get responses varying from I like being off the ground to I need the extra room. You need a tank to ride in comfort? What? Growing up, the majority of the families I knew simply had a sedan or at most a minivan to cart around their kids. Two kids and their stuff seemed to fit into a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass with room to spare. Now I know that America is suffering a bit of an obesity problem, but have children gotten so large that only a tank can accommodate them? What sort of equipment is do kids have to take to practices now? And why do you need to be four feet off the ground to feel safe? What are you hoping to see? What were you missing out on in the vehicle that was only a few feet off the ground?

The lack of consideration doesn't seem to be limited to other drivers, pedestrians and static structures on the roads. These behemoths are also greedily chugging away at the world's ever diminishing oil supplies. Without any thought to conservation or the future, manufacturers keep turning out larger and grander VOUS's so that everyone can take part in the fun. Want the grandeur of a Hummer but can't afford a sticker price higher than the gross domestic product of a small nation, well look at the H3. Well, for less than the cost of an Ivy league education, everyone can have their very own little gas guzzler. Really, is that what the world needs? Instead of channeling the energy, research and resources into coming up with alternative fuels, the auto makers give us another HUMMER? SERIOUSLY? At least some companies are coming out with more or better hybrid cars. I think this is excellent. But what kind of hybrids are being demanded? More VOUS? Perhaps the VOUS are just a further example of our society's overindulgence. What about just getting a smaller car? If drivers as a whole practice restraint and conservation, perhaps oil would not have such power over us. Wars are being fought over it. Politicians are elected because of it. Entire cities brought to their knees without it. How about demanding something better? We expect our computers to be smaller, faster, more efficient AND cheaper. Why not the same of our cars?

If the entitlement and the waste of the VOUS's weren't enough to turn your stomach, what about the way that the VOUS destroys even the most basic of reading abilities. Don't believe me? Check out a parking lot. Look in the area CLEARLY labeled "Compact Cars Only." I am sure you will find more than one VOUS sprawled out over a space or two. It is truly tragic. How sad that this giant has robbed its owners of their literacy. Tragic. You know what I want to do when I see this? I want to take my keys and carve COMPACT CARS ONLY into the side of the violator. One day, I will. One day, I will be driving around, fruitlessly searching for a parking place. I will see a Ram 1500 with tires towering over me, and I will snap. I will hurl myself at the shiny tank and in a psychotic fit begin chiseling my message.

And so, the great war of MAV vs the VOUS's has begun. If it is the last thing I ever do, I will defeat these monsters. Just like the dinosaurs, the VOUS's will be wiped out.