Compromise Yourself

I was watching the episode of Felicity where she starts following the list. It was when Ben was being all Ben and weird and overly guyish, so Felicity is given a list of Ten Ways To Win Your Guy Back and starts trying them out. Basically, she acts like she doesn't care all that much about Ben and their relationship, and he starts coming back around and acting cool again. She compromises herself and her feelings to keep him. She is getting what she wants, but the price is killing her. She wants to be happy and show love and get angry without worrying that Ben is going to bolt again.

The first time I watched that episode, while it was really great, it didn't really resound with me like it did tonight. I realized that I do the same thing. I am so excited that this guy likes me that I don't want to scare him away. So, I am very careful not to show too much love or give any signs that I am thinking about any sort of future. I am the Live In The Now Girl. It usually works, but I am just beat down and exhausted. Eventually, I will get tired of being Perfect. At that point, I will overreact about something trivial or just reach my breaking point. It usually ends in hurt feelings and tears. This is a pattern I see myself repeat quite often.

Each time, I tell myself that I must be truthful. I have to express my emotions. But in the end, I swallow my words, my feelings, my anger, my pain, my love and pretend to be FunKelly. I feel like most of the guys I have ever been with just want FunKelly without the messy emotions. While they know I am a passionate, feeling person, they come after me anyway. They want the good parts: the laughs, the jokes, the adventure, the sexuality, but they don't want the rest of the package. They just want the good chocolates. Why do these men keep finding me, and why do I keep letting them in? And if I do let them in, why do I hide? I know that I won't be able to do it forever, but I try just the same.

To most people, I probably seem very honest and up front about my feelings. But when it comes to man I love, I filter or even censor myself. Why is diluted Kelly so much more appealing? I keep thinking I am choosing guys that want full flavor, but they never do. I just don't understand.

And, I am probably not the only woman that feels this way. I am sure a lot of women out there do the same things. Why do we come with all this emotion, all these feelings if men in general don't seem to want it? Is it a programming flaw? Will evolution eventually fix this glitch? Will women start to feel less or will men be able to feel more?

Oh well, it's off to bed now. I am quite tired. Tomorrow, Felicity will start dating her "B-List" guy. I don't think I ever moved off the "B-List." I need an "A-List" guy. Maybe that is my problem.