Dear Diary

Deer Dairy,

Oh my GAH! Did you guys know that Nick like wrote a song about me? Daddy told me that Nick like wouldn't have a carrear if we got devorced. Daddy said I would still be like a star, but Nick would like fade into obscer ... obscur ... obstetri ... nothing.

Anyways, like I was so sad that I went to Mystic Tan like every day for a week. They are like so nice there. They totally like me better than Asslee. Hee. Hee. Totally kidding.

So, I had to go to this awards show or premeer or something (I don't no. Daddy just comes over and picks out my clothes and then points me to the limo. Like no one is better at adjusting the girls than Daddy. He lifts and cups them the best). They had to really bind my penis down. Daddy promised we would get it taken off soon, but first he said that like Asslee (hee. kidding) had to get a new nose. Then like, she also got new pouty lips like mine. I don't know why she had to do that. Pouting was my thing. Daddy said I had to look like real sad after the devorce so people would like me better. But that pouting is hard and was starting to hurt. So Daddy let me get some lips like Miss Goldie Hawn (I love her!) so I wouldn't have to pout myself. I'm a celebrety you know. We can't be expected to pout for ourselves. Anyway, like then last week Asslee (ha) (kidding) went and got like some new lips too. Do you think it is like a little weird that Asslee is doing all of this stuff like I used to? I mean, she is like getting Mystic Tans and like got a new nose and like pouty lips and like she even had sweet Ken to die her hair blonde like me and then like she got some hair extensions like mine. But not the ones that I am gonna start selling. Those will be available this fall in KMart (Asslee (hah) USED to have the KMart account, but Daddy let me have it). Anyways, the tape holding my penis down is like hurting. Gah!

Do you like my shoes, Dairy? Daddy said the lawyer said that I had to start like wearing those shoes I like designed or whatever. He said that like we didn't want the same thing to like happen that did with those jeans people. Whatever! Like I was going to wear those jeans! They were like for fat girls! But anyways, I wore the silver shoes cause silver is really classy and this was like a fancy event and stuff.

Oh, Dairy. I forgot to tell you! DId you hear that Britnee is pregnant again? She is gonna like get so huge! That husband of hers totally grabbed my ass at the club the other night. I know! Like Oh My GAH! He smells like onions and cigarettes. What is that about? Anyways. I am like so totally winning. I am like so much hotter than Britnee now. And, I mean, sure Christina like got to perform at the movie awards, but whatever, cause like I was working on a MOVIE this year and didn't have time to do an album. And Mandy Moore was just on some TV show or whatever about like janitors or housekeepers or something. I don't know. LIke ever since Friends went off the air, like TV is real boring. Don't tell, but I totally didn't watch Seventh Heaven. Asslee said like we should watch that show since it like gave her like her start or whatever, but like I didn't. Even when she was on it. I mean, like there was a reason that Daddy quit being like a minister. It just isn't fun. Like seriously. ANd those girls were like real mean.

Well, Dairy. I have to go. Daddy is coming over and we are gonna go like bra shopping or something. I don't know. Whatever.

Kisses!!!

Jess