How to Fake A Music Orgasm

Really, my taste in music isn't all that great. I just fake it well. Honestly, I would prefer to just listen to Weezer, Green Day and Pearl Jam all the time. Give me some Cranberries and a little Garbage, and I am a happy girl. But sadly, not everyone is stuck in 1995 (though Garbage may have been more 1996).

I am not really a "music" person, but my friends are. And "music" people? Well, they just don't accept that not everyone has their level of love, (cough)obsession(cough). Music people will say fun, disdainful things like, "oh really? That guy was playing David Bowie songs in 'The Life Aquatic?' I totally didn't realize that. Geez, who wouldn't know that." Well, I for one can tell you like one song by David Bowie. But most of my friends don't know that.

How is this? How do I accomplish such a feat? Well, I fake a good music orgasm. It is quite easy really. I will guide you through it.

How To Fake A Music Orgasm

1. First, know your audience. Sadly, faking a music orgasm does require a little customization. You can't use the same comments for Indie Music Snobs and Only Country listeners. The Only Country people are the easiest to fool. Go with old country. It is the safest bet. You never have to learn new names. Just learn the following names: Willie, Lyle, Johnny, Waylon, George (Strait or Jones), Patsy, Dolly and Loretta. Then choose one and listen to a few of their Best of..'s. I find Willie Nelson and Patsy Cline work really well. When you hear some silly new pop tartlet with a Southern accent twanging on the radio, just say something like, 'well, she's no Patsy. "Walkin' after Midnight" is just an awesome song.' At this point, you can decide whether it is appropriate to break out in song. The Only Country fan will almost certainly sing along with you. And respect you for knowledge of the classics.
   
   The Indie Music Snob is a little harder. For the Indie Music Snob, claiming love of anyone found on the Garden State, Wicker Park (bad movie, good music) or In Good Company soundtracks would be a safe bet.
   
   Hip Hop is pretty easy. Go with the classics. You like NWA, early Tupac, and/or Ice T. Then chuckle about how Ice T now plays a cop on Law and Order. Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliot are also safe bets.
   
2. Learn the phrase "I liked them a whole lot better before they sold out." Usually, claiming love of the first album is best. The music person will, at this point, take over the conversation and tell you how much the sell out in question sucks. You will be regaled with tales ranging from how the band was discovered, who used to produce their albums, why the older stuff is so much better than the new stuff. There will be possible talk about the studio in which the music was recorded. Rants could go on for a while. Just nod and answer affirmative. If feedback is absolutely required, just say that "their stuff is so much better than most of the crap on the radio though)
   
   
3. If you really want to go for the big orgasm, you can also try saying something like "I like their live stuff a lot better." This one is a little dangerous. You maybe asked where you saw them. It is best to keep it vague. Try oh, I think it was at (SXSW, Cochella, Bonnaroo, FarmAid, etc). The music person will, at this point, probably start to wax poetically about past festivals or rant about the state of music today. Just nod along. They will pretty much carry the conversation at this point and feel better about themselves. That's nice.
   
   
4. Pick a few lesser known bands to be "your" bands. The Black-Eyed Peas used to be perfect for this, before they, you know, sold out. But for the hip hop people, you can probably still use them. Lauryn Hill also works well. You might try this band called The Spooks. I saw them in New Orleans once (see how snobby I sounded). Similar to the Fugees. Recommend the album. You will be praised. I promise.
   
   For Indie Music Snobs and Only Country people, I recommend a little trip to Amazon. Type in, for instance, Modest Mouse. Choose the latest album, then open the Music Sampler. At the bottom of this screen, you will see the "People who liked this album also liked...." Choose one, listen to a few songs, then proclaim them your new favorite. In a month or so, say you liked them better before they sold out.
   
   
5. In private, listen to KissFM and watch some TRL. You, of course, must never admit to this. But it is absolutely necessary to research who you must claim to hate. Maroon 5, Britney, Jessica, Ashlee, Linkin Park and Nickleback are easy targets. Almost all music people will agree with you.
   
   
6. Lip-syncers are the devil. Just know this. Never claim to like a lip syncer. Basically if your singer is dancing, they aren't singing. You must hate them.
   
   
7. If they act, they can't sing. Sorry, Madonna doesn't count. She basically mimicked every other performance of Evita. And she caught a weird British accent while "acting."
   
   
8. MTV sucks. Know that, too. It is okay to watch Fuse, MTV2 and VH1 Classics. VH1 is okay, but only because you do, in fact, love the 80's.
   
   
9. Avoid mainstream radio stations. Make sure you have some college stations programmed into your radio whenever possible. If you are stuck in a situation where a music listener has cornered you, demanding to know what station you listen to, say mostly you listen to NPR since almost everything on the radio sucks, but you are considering Sirius.
   
   
10. If you are ever stuck in a situation where you feel you are going to be caught faking your music orgasm, simply start to make fun of an easy target like Britney (she carries a dog between her breasts and visits gas station bathrooms sans shoes), J Lo (movie execs have told her to stop singing since she could be the next Meryl Streep, but she can't deny her music) or Ashley Simpson (she got booed by an entire stadium). The music person will start sharing their hate and forget their original inquiry.
    
    
11. If you don't play the piano, guitar, drums or harmonica, it is probably best to deny your musical abilities. While I love my oboe, it. just. isn't. cool.
    
    
12. If you are going to wear a t-shirt featuring a "cool" band, then you better have at least 5 favorite songs of theirs picked out to love. Recommend not choosing only radio hits.
    
    
13. If asked your opinion on a band that you really don't know anything about, but sense you aren't supposed to like them, then try saying something like "they're no Beattles, that's for sure." In the country sector, try substituting Willie Nelson for Beattles. Other acceptable alternatives are NWA (rap/hip hop), Interpol (ambient indie music), Guns N' Roses (metal fans ONLY. And refer to them as GNR), Clash (loud music), Tori Amos (chick music), Death Cab for Cutie (indie music), Buzzcocks (punk).
    
    Important: make sure when you use the "they're no _____" statement that you aren't actually listening to that band.

Well, I hope this helps any of those in need fake a nice little music orgasm. Remember, mostly you just want to avoid ridicule. Fly under the radar and let the music fan take the lead. If you don't know your stuff, best to agree with them. Coming up with supporting arguments for your rebuttal can be tricky and may lead to more ridicule.

Was it good for you?