Sticky situation

There are people in this world that don't get sticky. I am not one of them. I am currently covered in the juice of a large Granny Smith. An apple seems easy enough to eat. It has a protective cover. You can hold it in your hand. But somehow, I get COVERED in stickiness. Why me? I attempted to slice it with an apple corer, but the apple was too large for the corer. So, then I had to cut it with a knife. But even with bite size pieces, I am still sticky. Only now, my keyboard is sticky, too.

If it is sticky, I will get it all over myself. The smallest amount of honey, and I end up a sticky mess. I have given up on pancakes, waffles and French toast all together. Despite the fork and knife combo, there is still no fending off the sticky from my hands. I thought a peanut butter, banana and honey whole wheat English muffin would be okay due to my very limited honey application. Nope, sticky again.

It's a curse. I feel people are judging me. Between my sticky fingers and food stained chest, I must look like the biggest glutton. Look at that poor, fat girl over there, they say. She is such a pig that she can't eat slow enough to prevent wearing her food. But I do eat slow! I try. I really do. But the stickiness is too powerful. I am no match!

The only thing worse than the stickiness is the aforementioned food stained chest. I try to eat properly. I place my napkin in its useless position in my lap. My big breasts catch the food before it even comes close to the napkin. At movies, I will find popcorn in my bra. I am constantly having to wash my shirts because they have salsa or soy sauce or something on them. My small chested friends don't understand my pain. My humiliation. How can they? Their napkins are actually useful. As if I need help calling attention to my boobs, my food often ends up drawing even more attention to them.

Such a sad, hard life. I am considering getting a reduction and avoiding all hand held fruit and sticky topping forever.

By the way, besides sharing my food related pain, I also wanted to add a few key phrases to my blog so it would rise in the Google rankings. While I am the top choice for monkey attacks, I feel I need to expand my exposure. So, repeated use of the words breast, lap, boob and sticky should do the job.

Another side note, Blogger's spell check does not recognize the word blog. Interesting.