Grammar Nazi

I am a Grammar Nazi. I won't be so presumptuous as to say I am The Grammar Nazi. I am quite certain there are others. We are a proud group, though our numbers are few.

So what does it mean that the Monkey Attack Victim is a Grammar Nazi? Well, basically, I want to cleanse the world of poor grammar. This includes bad spelling. Really, there is no excuse. If you don’t know how to spell a word, use a smaller, easier to spell word.

And capitalization? Don’t get me started on capitalization! Just because you are not being graded on what you write is no excuse to be lazy. Capitalize that first letter. The shift key is your friend. It wants to help you be a better writer.

Now, commas, semicolons, colons? Those I usually let slide. It is hard to know when you need that comma. Subordinate clauses are a little confusing. I usually stick a comma in anyway. It’s always better to over-comma than to under-comma, in my opinion. So, I let punctuation slide a little more. Just capitalize and spell everything right, and I am happy.

You know what drives me nuts? People that claim to be good writers but don’t bother with the actual mechanics of writing. Sure, they might have excellent ideas. In fact, their writings may be the answer to all my questions. But you know what? If you don’t capitalize anything, I don’t respect you. It’s as simple as that. I assume you are ignorant. Why should I agree with your thoughts on creation if you obviously know nothing about grammar?
Yes. I am judging.

Is typing not taught in schools anymore? Every classroom has a computer. Does no one bother to teach students how to type? The nephew of the Monkey Attack Victim is incredibly smart. Yet the boy can’t type. I know not everyone can type a flawless 75 words a minute. But if you are going to slow down enough to hunt and peck, at least get the pecking right.

And what about abbreviations? “LOL.” “BTW.” “WTF.” “BRB.” “IMO.” “STFWYLA.” Oh, do you not know that last one? It’s my personal favorite. Spell The Fucking Words You Lazy Asshole. See, I hate those abbreviations. Is “ha ha ha” really so much harder to type than “LOL?” And just using “r” or “4?” I HATE THAT! It just ticks me off. I put enough care in my writing to spell out the words. Even when I am sending an instant message. Even when I send a text message on my phone while driving 80 miles per hour down the interstate. I do care enough to send the very best. So, why can’t you extend me the courtesy of actually spelling “are?” It’s only three letters long.

I know what some of you are thinking. If she is such a Grammar Nazi, why does she use so many fragments. Well, my friend, fragments are just cool. They can be used to emphasize main points. They make the reader take notice of that particular statement. Really, it’s a stylistic choice. I speak in fragments. I type the way that I talk. Therefore, I type in fragments. Hey, Hitler was a Jew, so this Grammar Nazi can be a fragmenter.

In conclusion, I am going to leave all those seeking to better their grammar a few little tips. Trust me, you may think that no one is really going to judge you on your grammar faux pas, but that is just not true. I judge you. So, here goes:

“It’s” means “it is.” “Its” is the possessive form of the word “it.” It’s always wise to use proper grammar. Give that word its capital letter.

“They’re” means “they are.” “Their” is the possessive form of “they.”
They’re obviously stupid because they use poor grammar. Their spelling is atrocious.

“Were” is the past tense form of the word “be.” “We’re” means “we are.”
We’re going to try harder to use better grammar. We had no idea we were being judged.

So take these tips with you. They will be your first steps toward better grammar. Before you know it, you can join the rest of the Grammar Nazis in our quest to overtake the world of bad writers.