Okay, here it is

I haven't posted in a while. I kind of feel bad about that. Not because I think I have faithful readers that are poised anxiously in front of their computer screens, gnawing their fingers into bloody nubs, murmuring "Let there be something new. Let today be the day," but because I have things that I need to/should talk about, but don't know that I should open that floodgate.

My mother passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was rather sudden and took everyone by complete surprise. Severe asthma attack followed by 3 cardiac arrests which damaged her brain too severely to function. So to say that things have been tough recently would be a bit of an understatement.

I love my mom a great deal. The idea of her being gone is something that simply makes no sense to me. I guess the realization has not fully sank in yet. It creeps in a little each day. I will be watching TV and enjoying the newest episode of Lost, and I will think, "hey, I should call Mom and see if she thinks they will kill Boone off." Then I will remember that I can't. Or I will have a question like how do you get the fabric softener stain out of clothes you have already dried. My mom would know, but I can't call her.

It's weird having to learn how to not have a mom anymore. I have to remember that it is just my Dad's house now. I have to know where important papers are (like the title to my car. Where in the world is that?). Lots of little things that most people never, ever think about, I now have to.

I don't really know how to be around people the same anymore. Or myself for that reason. Is it bad that I am happy at this moment? Should I be more sad? Should I not be so sad? Should I be able to go all day without thinking about it? Should I think about it more? Did I think about it today? And then there's being around other people. I want to, then I don't. I will be somewhere and it will be going great, then suddenly something happens or something is said that makes me want to just get away. But then there are times when I can't stand to be alone. I hate driving. Well, I have always hated driving because it is boring and seems like a huge waste of time. But now, I hate it because it gives me time alone with nothing but my thoughts. I want to visit my family more, but I can't stand the thought of being alone for that long. There are times when I want to talk about it. Catch me when I am looking sad. I will probably talk then. But there are times when I am okay or happy, and I don't want to think about it right then.

There is no rhyme or reason for how I will feel or when it will occur. It is frustrating. I am probably bugging people by calling so much. But like I said, I hate being alone in the car. I need to talk to someone so I will not start thinking about it. Because crying and driving? Not the best combo. Poor Wes. I was talking to him the other night. He didn't sound so good and actually moaned at one point. When I asked what was going on, he was like oh, I think I have food poisoning. But he knew I needed to talk, so he was staying on the phone. I gave him permission to hang up and puke. Because of the food poisoning, not because he had conversed with me.

So there it is. I am screwed up right now. My moods are all over the place. I started crying at work because I saw the first family photo without my mom in it. But then I go really long stretches of feeling fine. It is all very confusing. But overall, I think I am doing okay.