So, Then They Cut Me Out Of My Pants

During my time in Austin, I think the majority of the parties I attended were hosted by the Party Triad (Amanda, Priscilla and Z-Ho). They threw AWESOME parties. Many of which I ended up in some trouble at or after. Their Jell-O shots were dangerous and their antics legendary. There was a chair dubbed “Stripper Chair” due to all the lap dances that it hosted. Going away from one of these parties just slightly tipsy wasn’t possible. Most people just crashed there.

This is what I did on that fateful Saturday (or Sunday morning, depending on how you look at that). I had drank. A lot. The couch was looking very inviting so I passed out there. In the wee hours of Sunday morning, around 8, I was awakened by the urgent need to go to the bathroom. In my hangover haze, I quickly made my way there. I attempted to unzip my pants, but the zipper would only go down about an inch. The zipper was in the back of my pants, so I didn’t have a really good view. I gave it a good jerk. Nothing. I began doing the pee-pee dance while I tried to zip the pants back up, thinking that I had gotten a little fabric snagged. Nothing. I jerk the zipper up and down as best I can. It is of no use. The zipper is stuck. Things are getting quite desperate as the half a keg I drank the night before really wants to be released. I can’t see what the problem is, so I am going to have to wake one of the other hungover roommates up to release me from the clutches of my pants.

Who to awaken? Amanda and Mason will most likely choke me with my pants if I were to disturb them. I lightly knock on Z-Ho’s door, but she has her earplugs in and doesn’t hear me. Priscilla is my only choice. She and her boyfriend turned in relatively early, so they will probably be the least pissed. Tap, tap, tap.

MAV: *whispers* Priscilla.
Priscilla: Mffthgm
MAV: *taps again* Silly.
Priscilla: *grumpily* Whaaaaat???
MAV: I need help.
Silly: Mfffhhttggmmm Whaaaaatttt? I’m sleeeeepiiiiing.
MAV: I can’t get out of my pants, and I have to pee really bad.
Silly: Huh? What? *starts getting out of bed*
MAV: My zipper is stuck. I can’t get out. *continues pee pee dance while whispering to the door*
Silly: *opens door* What’s wrong????
MAV: *through gritted teeth* My zipper is stuck. I can’t get out of my pants, and I REALLY have to pee.
Silly: Let me look. Hmmmm, there is a bunch of fabric bunched up in the zipper. Why did you do that?
MAV: *grits teeth, pee pee dances* I didn’t mean to. I couldn’t see what was happening. Can you just jerk it over the bunch?
Silly: *jerks the zipper with all the force her 90 pound body can exert* No, sweetie, it isn’t going anywhere. Let me get Dusty.
Silly: *goes into bedroom, attempts to awaken drunk/hungover boyfriend* Dusty, wake up, we need your help.
Dusty: Mmmmfff**##!!!ggmmm
Silly: MAV is stuck in her pants. You need to help us get her out.
Dusty: *confused* What? MAV what? What? Mmmmfff**###!!??ffmmm
Silly: She is going to pee on the floor if you don’t help us.
MAV: *dies a little*
Dusty: Just a sec…… *comes out, looks at the desperate, dancing MAV, smiles* How do you get stuck in your pants?
MAV: *mentally flips him off* I don’t know. Just get me out, please.
Dusty: *tugs at zipper* It’s really stuck.
Silly: It looks like some of the teeth are all bent up.
MAV: Dusty, you are a big, strong man, jerk it down.
Dusty: *jerks so hard that MAV almost falls over* Nope, it’s really stuck.
MAV: *panics* Rip it. Do something!
Silly: I guess we can cut the zipper.
MAV: *barely able to breathe anymore* Do it. Through the teeth. I will fix the zipper later.
Dusty: *grabs a large knife* Here.
MAV: Or scissors, maybe?
Silly: Oh, good idea. Let me look for some.
MAV: *pee, pee dances, turns a little more purple*
Silly: Found ‘em. *cuts MAV’s favorite black skinny pants that make her ass look so HAWT* There.
MAV: *holds pants together, runs to bathroom* Thank you. Don’t tell everyone, please?
Silly, Dusty: *lie*

Later that day at lunch:

MAV: Pardon me, I have to go to the ladies room.
Mason: Are you going to be able to handle that on your own, or do you need to take a knife with you.
Amanda: I might have scissors in my car.
MAV: *flips them off, dies a little inside*
And no, I was not able to save the pants.