Dorky friends

To me, the sign of true friendship is when you can be an absolute geek around someone, and not only do they not judge you, they join in. That is great. I had the most awesome weekend. I hung out with YayCoffee. It was so much fun. We were complete and total dorks. We got entirely too excited over things which would cause most people to roll their eyes. Things ranging from turning up the volume and/or rewinding songs to hear what we believed were the best parts, to stalking possible underage Irish boys, to making some of the GEEKIEST/AWESOME t-shirts ever.

That is when you know you are in the company of a true friend. The absolute abandonment of cool. The people who are aware of your love of teen dramas but don't judge (usually they tune in also). People who will go with you on a search for a life-size Yoda cut out. People who not only watched you make a duct tape wallet for a boy to whom you were about to reveal your massive crush, but waited up until 2 in the morning to hear the verdict. People who understand that some songs have inherent dance moves that must be performed whenever the song plays, even if you are in a car.

These are real friends. I hope everyone has someone with whom they can completely dork out.

Grammar Nazi

I am a Grammar Nazi. I won't be so presumptuous as to say I am The Grammar Nazi. I am quite certain there are others. We are a proud group, though our numbers are few.

So what does it mean that the Monkey Attack Victim is a Grammar Nazi? Well, basically, I want to cleanse the world of poor grammar. This includes bad spelling. Really, there is no excuse. If you don’t know how to spell a word, use a smaller, easier to spell word.

And capitalization? Don’t get me started on capitalization! Just because you are not being graded on what you write is no excuse to be lazy. Capitalize that first letter. The shift key is your friend. It wants to help you be a better writer.

Now, commas, semicolons, colons? Those I usually let slide. It is hard to know when you need that comma. Subordinate clauses are a little confusing. I usually stick a comma in anyway. It’s always better to over-comma than to under-comma, in my opinion. So, I let punctuation slide a little more. Just capitalize and spell everything right, and I am happy.

You know what drives me nuts? People that claim to be good writers but don’t bother with the actual mechanics of writing. Sure, they might have excellent ideas. In fact, their writings may be the answer to all my questions. But you know what? If you don’t capitalize anything, I don’t respect you. It’s as simple as that. I assume you are ignorant. Why should I agree with your thoughts on creation if you obviously know nothing about grammar?
Yes. I am judging.

Is typing not taught in schools anymore? Every classroom has a computer. Does no one bother to teach students how to type? The nephew of the Monkey Attack Victim is incredibly smart. Yet the boy can’t type. I know not everyone can type a flawless 75 words a minute. But if you are going to slow down enough to hunt and peck, at least get the pecking right.

And what about abbreviations? “LOL.” “BTW.” “WTF.” “BRB.” “IMO.” “STFWYLA.” Oh, do you not know that last one? It’s my personal favorite. Spell The Fucking Words You Lazy Asshole. See, I hate those abbreviations. Is “ha ha ha” really so much harder to type than “LOL?” And just using “r” or “4?” I HATE THAT! It just ticks me off. I put enough care in my writing to spell out the words. Even when I am sending an instant message. Even when I send a text message on my phone while driving 80 miles per hour down the interstate. I do care enough to send the very best. So, why can’t you extend me the courtesy of actually spelling “are?” It’s only three letters long.

I know what some of you are thinking. If she is such a Grammar Nazi, why does she use so many fragments. Well, my friend, fragments are just cool. They can be used to emphasize main points. They make the reader take notice of that particular statement. Really, it’s a stylistic choice. I speak in fragments. I type the way that I talk. Therefore, I type in fragments. Hey, Hitler was a Jew, so this Grammar Nazi can be a fragmenter.

In conclusion, I am going to leave all those seeking to better their grammar a few little tips. Trust me, you may think that no one is really going to judge you on your grammar faux pas, but that is just not true. I judge you. So, here goes:

“It’s” means “it is.” “Its” is the possessive form of the word “it.” It’s always wise to use proper grammar. Give that word its capital letter.

“They’re” means “they are.” “Their” is the possessive form of “they.”
They’re obviously stupid because they use poor grammar. Their spelling is atrocious.

“Were” is the past tense form of the word “be.” “We’re” means “we are.”
We’re going to try harder to use better grammar. We had no idea we were being judged.

So take these tips with you. They will be your first steps toward better grammar. Before you know it, you can join the rest of the Grammar Nazis in our quest to overtake the world of bad writers.

How to Fake A Music Orgasm

Really, my taste in music isn't all that great. I just fake it well. Honestly, I would prefer to just listen to Weezer, Green Day and Pearl Jam all the time. Give me some Cranberries and a little Garbage, and I am a happy girl. But sadly, not everyone is stuck in 1995 (though Garbage may have been more 1996).

I am not really a "music" person, but my friends are. And "music" people? Well, they just don't accept that not everyone has their level of love, (cough)obsession(cough). Music people will say fun, disdainful things like, "oh really? That guy was playing David Bowie songs in 'The Life Aquatic?' I totally didn't realize that. Geez, who wouldn't know that." Well, I for one can tell you like one song by David Bowie. But most of my friends don't know that.

How is this? How do I accomplish such a feat? Well, I fake a good music orgasm. It is quite easy really. I will guide you through it.

How To Fake A Music Orgasm

1. First, know your audience. Sadly, faking a music orgasm does require a little customization. You can't use the same comments for Indie Music Snobs and Only Country listeners. The Only Country people are the easiest to fool. Go with old country. It is the safest bet. You never have to learn new names. Just learn the following names: Willie, Lyle, Johnny, Waylon, George (Strait or Jones), Patsy, Dolly and Loretta. Then choose one and listen to a few of their Best of..'s. I find Willie Nelson and Patsy Cline work really well. When you hear some silly new pop tartlet with a Southern accent twanging on the radio, just say something like, 'well, she's no Patsy. "Walkin' after Midnight" is just an awesome song.' At this point, you can decide whether it is appropriate to break out in song. The Only Country fan will almost certainly sing along with you. And respect you for knowledge of the classics.
   
   The Indie Music Snob is a little harder. For the Indie Music Snob, claiming love of anyone found on the Garden State, Wicker Park (bad movie, good music) or In Good Company soundtracks would be a safe bet.
   
   Hip Hop is pretty easy. Go with the classics. You like NWA, early Tupac, and/or Ice T. Then chuckle about how Ice T now plays a cop on Law and Order. Busta Rhymes and Missy Elliot are also safe bets.
   
2. Learn the phrase "I liked them a whole lot better before they sold out." Usually, claiming love of the first album is best. The music person will, at this point, take over the conversation and tell you how much the sell out in question sucks. You will be regaled with tales ranging from how the band was discovered, who used to produce their albums, why the older stuff is so much better than the new stuff. There will be possible talk about the studio in which the music was recorded. Rants could go on for a while. Just nod and answer affirmative. If feedback is absolutely required, just say that "their stuff is so much better than most of the crap on the radio though)
   
   
3. If you really want to go for the big orgasm, you can also try saying something like "I like their live stuff a lot better." This one is a little dangerous. You maybe asked where you saw them. It is best to keep it vague. Try oh, I think it was at (SXSW, Cochella, Bonnaroo, FarmAid, etc). The music person will, at this point, probably start to wax poetically about past festivals or rant about the state of music today. Just nod along. They will pretty much carry the conversation at this point and feel better about themselves. That's nice.
   
   
4. Pick a few lesser known bands to be "your" bands. The Black-Eyed Peas used to be perfect for this, before they, you know, sold out. But for the hip hop people, you can probably still use them. Lauryn Hill also works well. You might try this band called The Spooks. I saw them in New Orleans once (see how snobby I sounded). Similar to the Fugees. Recommend the album. You will be praised. I promise.
   
   For Indie Music Snobs and Only Country people, I recommend a little trip to Amazon. Type in, for instance, Modest Mouse. Choose the latest album, then open the Music Sampler. At the bottom of this screen, you will see the "People who liked this album also liked...." Choose one, listen to a few songs, then proclaim them your new favorite. In a month or so, say you liked them better before they sold out.
   
   
5. In private, listen to KissFM and watch some TRL. You, of course, must never admit to this. But it is absolutely necessary to research who you must claim to hate. Maroon 5, Britney, Jessica, Ashlee, Linkin Park and Nickleback are easy targets. Almost all music people will agree with you.
   
   
6. Lip-syncers are the devil. Just know this. Never claim to like a lip syncer. Basically if your singer is dancing, they aren't singing. You must hate them.
   
   
7. If they act, they can't sing. Sorry, Madonna doesn't count. She basically mimicked every other performance of Evita. And she caught a weird British accent while "acting."
   
   
8. MTV sucks. Know that, too. It is okay to watch Fuse, MTV2 and VH1 Classics. VH1 is okay, but only because you do, in fact, love the 80's.
   
   
9. Avoid mainstream radio stations. Make sure you have some college stations programmed into your radio whenever possible. If you are stuck in a situation where a music listener has cornered you, demanding to know what station you listen to, say mostly you listen to NPR since almost everything on the radio sucks, but you are considering Sirius.
   
   
10. If you are ever stuck in a situation where you feel you are going to be caught faking your music orgasm, simply start to make fun of an easy target like Britney (she carries a dog between her breasts and visits gas station bathrooms sans shoes), J Lo (movie execs have told her to stop singing since she could be the next Meryl Streep, but she can't deny her music) or Ashley Simpson (she got booed by an entire stadium). The music person will start sharing their hate and forget their original inquiry.
    
    
11. If you don't play the piano, guitar, drums or harmonica, it is probably best to deny your musical abilities. While I love my oboe, it. just. isn't. cool.
    
    
12. If you are going to wear a t-shirt featuring a "cool" band, then you better have at least 5 favorite songs of theirs picked out to love. Recommend not choosing only radio hits.
    
    
13. If asked your opinion on a band that you really don't know anything about, but sense you aren't supposed to like them, then try saying something like "they're no Beattles, that's for sure." In the country sector, try substituting Willie Nelson for Beattles. Other acceptable alternatives are NWA (rap/hip hop), Interpol (ambient indie music), Guns N' Roses (metal fans ONLY. And refer to them as GNR), Clash (loud music), Tori Amos (chick music), Death Cab for Cutie (indie music), Buzzcocks (punk).
    
    Important: make sure when you use the "they're no _____" statement that you aren't actually listening to that band.

Well, I hope this helps any of those in need fake a nice little music orgasm. Remember, mostly you just want to avoid ridicule. Fly under the radar and let the music fan take the lead. If you don't know your stuff, best to agree with them. Coming up with supporting arguments for your rebuttal can be tricky and may lead to more ridicule.

Was it good for you?

Keanu, I need you!

My computer has been possessed by the devil. It is truly the only explanation for the odd behavior and determination to drive me insane.

Exhibit 1: When I look at Monitor 1, Monitor 2 will occasionally blink, distort or change colors. But when I look at it, it is back to normal.

Exhibit 2: Lost changes. Seriously, I have made a particular change to one project, no kidding, 11 times. Each time I return to the page, the change is gone. The page is back to being all fucked up. This is really annoying. The tech support people refuse to believe it is happening. Either I am crazy, or my computer is possessed. While I am quite crazy, I do believe that there is a possession under way.

Exhibit 3: The CD-ROM will begin to spin at random. No disk. No music program opened. Drive D has not been clicked. The CD-ROM is just spinning for no reason.

Exhibit 4: Randomly rearranging desktop icons. Normally, they are in my preferred order on Monitor 1. Occasionally, whilst working in multiple programs on both monitors, the icons will make the exodus over to Monitor 2 and rearrange themselves. Really, rearranging my desktop icons is on the same evilness level as eating babies. Maybe more so.

Exhibit 5: MusicMatch JukeBox ads keep appearing in my playlist. I am using WinAmp which makes the appearance even more strange.

See, possession is the only obvious explanation. Keanu really needs to come and exorcise my computer.