The Monkey Attacked Me

One girl's struggle against the bizarre.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Stood Up

So, I got stood up on Saturday. I know, not exactly breaking news on a Wednesday.
Anyway, so I was supposed to go on a third date with this guy. We spoke Friday morning, and I said, "are we still on for Saturday?" He said, "absolutely." I never heard from him again until the night before last when he called after I had gone to sleep. What the hell?

See, this is where I really think that brutal honesty would be great. I think in break ups and job interviews lying to protect the feelings of others is just silly. How can we change or improve if we don't know what to change or improve? I think in relationships or the "ceasing to see each other" events, honesty would be great. Here are some examples of useful honesty.

  • I'm sorry, I don't want to continue to date you. You are a little larger than I am comfortable with.
  • While I am quite interested in having sex with you, I also want to have it with numerous other people without you expressing your dislike.
  • While I was a willing participant in the first date sex, it makes me think you are way to slutty to actually be a respectable girlfriend.
  • You seem really smart. I don't like smart.
  • You seem dumb. I can't have a ditzy girlfriend.
  • You know how you asked me to do things weeks, sometimes months, ahead of time? Yeah, that freaks me out. I think you are like obsessed or something.
  • My friends hate you.

See, that is useful information. I can work with that information. Some might say that it seems overly harsh. Well, I am probably going to be peeved at the guy that doesn't want to continue to date me anyway, why not let me be angry for the RIGHT reason?

It can work in job interviews too.

  • You are really overqualified for this job. I think you are going to bail the minute something better comes along.
  • You don't dress very well, and clients won't like that.
  • You seem dumb.
  • I think you are a big lying liar. No way were you the over a training department.
  • You misspelled things in your resume. I think you are probably really careless.
  • You have gotten fired more times than I am comfortable with.
  • You didn't wear a watch. I don't think you are normally punctual.

Once again, all useful information. I just think that in some situations, the feelings of others don't really need to be protected. I really do want to know why he chose to just stand me up. What made him decide that I wasn't even worth a phone call to say he didn't want to go out? Ah, the mysteries of life.

The Trip

Well, I got back around midnight on Thursday from my week in Washington. I was with my Dad and our cousin Lou. It was both fun and frustrating. Here is a day by day breakdown...

Saturday
My dad and Lou arrive about 2 hours early. I am not ready as I didn't expect them so soon, and we did not need to leave for the airport for at least 3 hours. I finally get everything together and get ready to go do some last minute errands including finding a place to park my car because the apartment manager has decided that this would be a good weekend to repave the parking lot. Oh, and if you are wondering if she has changed the locks to my apartment since her daughter lost the key, no. I told her she could do it as soon as I left if she would just MAIL me the new keys. She kept trying different alternatives: putting them in the storage shed, catching the mailman and dropping the keys in then, having me to call her upon my return and she would bring the keys, leaving the keys with one of my neighbors. I am getting ready to choke her when she finally submits to my demand that SHE JUST MAIL THE KEYS TO ME SO I HAVE THEM WHEN I RETURN AND AM NOT DEPENDENT ON ANYONE ELSE TO GAIN ENTRY TO MY APARTMENT AFTER A LONG TRIP! JUST MAIL ME THE KEYS!!!!!!!!!! So anyway, as I will have to move my car and do not want to park it for a week in an adjacent lot for fear of towing, I drive over to the Bickles to park. Unfortunately, their road is being paved that week too, so that locale is out. Doh! I return to the apartment and park in this driveway behind the building. I alert the manager to this. Oh, surprise, that doesn't belong to us, and I will probably be towed if I park there. She keeps trying to get me to park in these random parking lots. I attempt to explain that I WILL BE GONE FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! I don't WANT to park my car in some random lot so that it gets towed. I don't want to park on the street. Why must things be so difficult. Finally, we agree that I can park in a corner spot as only the center of the parking lot will be worked on. Now, you might be thinking, gee Berry, isn't your assigned spot off to the side? Why yes, yes it is. But fun! They are having yet another utter crap sale that is taking up the whole yard and half of the parking spaces. Yeah, fun. Gah! So ready to move.

So trip? Off to a bad start. Already wanting to kill people. Finally, I make it to the airport. I manage to score rock star parking (well as rock star as you can get in Remote Parking). We make it to curbside check in. My bag is 2 pounds over the limit. So, I shove all of my books and anything else I can quickly reach into my dad's bag. The guy is so ready to get rid of us that he doesn't even weigh it. We go through security. The removal of the shoes is REALLY annoying. Seriously? What exactly am I going to hide in a pair of CONVERSE? My feet barely fit in them. Anyway, I did get complimented on my complete and total lack of liquids. The security guy kept thinking he had me, but no. He did confiscate my cousin's LancĂ´me foundation. She kept insisting that it wasn't a liquid and was actually a cream, but no dice. Too close to a liquid (I mean, really , it actually says liquid foundation on the bottle). I really think that Fed Ex and UPS have missed a prime business opportunity. They should have kiosks right next to security so people can just mail the contraband to their destinations or back to their homes. I would much rather pay to mail something than have it thrown away (provided it was actually expensive. I am not going to mail my Burt's Bees, obviously). So finally we get onto the plane. I got excited because I was sitting next to a cute boy. The flight attendant asked us to move to the emergency exit row as we look like we could handle the responsibilities of the position. This stuck me with the middle seat instead of the window seat for some reason. I HATE the middle. And then a grumpy man comes and sits in the window seat and proceeds to be grumpy the entire flight. Cute boy fell into a drug induced coma moments after take off (yeah, he was going to be great help if we had to use the emergency exits) leaving me to my iPod and fan fic.

We get to Seattle and only have about an hour and half before we must leave to catch the ferry to the island we are staying on. Another cousin picks us up at the airport. She is so awesome. Forty-five, pregnant with twins and looks like a model. AND, she is a ranking officer in the Army (or Air Force, and I don't remember what rank) and a pilot for Delta. Yeah, Elaine pretty much rocks. I feel like a short, fat loser next to her. We head to Pikes Place, watch the fish being thrown, eat some Asian pears, and then go to the original Starbucks. I love fall and the return of the pumpkin spice latte. We make it to the ferry which was about 90 miles from Seattle just in the knick of time. Of course, by this time, it is like 9:00, so it is pitch black and cold. Luckily we were inside. We don't get to my aunt and uncle's house until almost 11. My aunt had chicken soup and rice waiting on us. It was like the best soup I had ever eaten. This is the beginning of the week of awesome food.


Sunday
We wake up to stuffed French toast and an awesome view. This island is GORGEOUS.

We were in the San Juan Islands at Friday Harbor. We can see mountains and other islands. Absolutely beautiful. Once we have eaten and finish getting ready, my aunt and uncle, who are in their 70's and 80's respectively take us on the tour of the island. First we go to an adorable little harbor villagey place. It is so quaint.

Then we head over to the English Camp. Apparently, Friday Harbor was the site of the Pig War of 18 something another. An Englishman's pig wandered into the yard of an American. The American shoots and eats the pig which is the breaking point for the already terribly strained relations between the Americans and the English. So, the English send war ships to the island. The Americans deploy troops. The two countries are about to go to war over this pig (well, really it was over the ownership of the islands, but the pig is funnier). Finally Kaiser Wilhelm intervenes and grants possession of the islands to the Americans. The only casualty in the Great Pig War of 18 Something Another was the pig. Just a little history lesson.

While at the English Camp, we went on a short (uphill) walk to a cemetery. After seeing the graves, my aunt talks us into hiking to the top of the mountain we are on. In case you are wondering, we were at Mount Young, a mountain that rose 650 feet into the air. I tried to back out of the hiking. I am terribly out of shape and have recently begun to get winded really easily. The promise we can stop as much as I need. And boy do I. I say a quick prayer of thanks that I at least had the presence of mind to wear my Docs that day instead of the clucky boots I had first thought of wearing. And, I quickly got over the fact that people over twice my age were in better shape. Although, I think that my aunt and cousin were happy to have me to stop all the time as it kept them from looking weak. They got to take advantage of my rest stops and not look like wimps themselves. Covered in sweat and wheezing, I finally make it to the top of the mountain. The view IS spectacular, I have to admit. It has begun to rain lightly which was quite nice.

After we clomped down the mountain (which is significantly easier), we went by an alpaca farm. If you don't know, an alpaca is like a cross between a llama and a sheep. They are so cute! They have these little faces that appear to always be smiling. I am going to be rocking a cute alpaca scarf once it turns cold here. I can't wait.

After oohing and ahhing over the cute little alpacas, we returned home to eat lunch and collect Elaine. The aunt and uncle decided to sit out the next leg of the tour. We went to the downtown area and saw all the shops. Then, on the way back, Elaine decided to show us the land she and her husband had bought to build a house. So, up another mountain side we hike, with the PREGNANT woman. She too has an awesome view. Her view is more of Canada and the Pacific though, but still AWESOME.

And, when we returned home, my uncle was grilling steaks. I must interject here, the family had suffered a bit of a tragedy days before we arrived. My uncle was working on his 1936 Bugatti when it backfired and caught their garage on fire. The Bugatti, garage, 50 years worth of tools and many antiques were destroyed. The whole family is devastated. He had gotten the car when he was when he was in the Air Force. It is the car he drove his wife in on their first date. He drove both his daughters to their weddings in the car. The car was a part of their family, so we were all very sad for him. They think it might be able to be restored, but that will take a lot of time and a LOT of money. It is just so sad. Check out the car here.


Monday
On Monday, we went to visit the American camp. The American's chose poorly in their location. The English were stationed along a cove protected by mountains. The Americans were on this barren land off the water with no protection from the extremely cold winds. There were barely any trees at all. Anyway, so we check out the two buildings remaining (not quite what I expected). Then my aunt talks us into walking through the campsite and down to the beach. My uncle was all, have fun walking through the prairie grass and blackberry bushes, I will check you fools later. He didn't actually say check you fools later, but it was strongly implied. So, across the field we go. It is about a mile, mostly cutting sideways (real fun on the feet and calves). Lots of grass, wind and thorny bushes. Am very thankful I chose to wear my Adidas that day.

We didn't do much else that day as returns home and lunches and visit from insurance adjusters delayed us significantly. This is a big problem the whole trip. Late starts and long lunches that had to be eaten at the house (instead of packing a cooler with sandwiches or something) when combined with an island that basically shut down at 5:00 meant that we didn't do a lot of stuff I wanted to. Oh, and this is the day when I am told we are departing on Wednesday instead of Thursday as I was originally told. I know, I should have paid closer attention to the itinerary on the tickets, but I didn't. I am assured however that we will have almost all day Wednesday to spend in Seattle. Since seeing Seattle was one of the primary draws of me coming on this trip, I am beginning to worry.


Tuesday
Tuesday had us visiting a lavender farm. It smelled like Heaven. So awesome. I want to live on a lavender farm. I bought so much lavender stuff. Little sachets, room spray, candles, cookies. It was AWESOME.

From the lavender farm, we went to a little whale watching park to see the last of the killer whales. They were really far out, but still pretty damn cool. In the photo below, there is a killer whale under water. I was not fast enough to catch it above the water.

We also got to check out some old light houses and a lime kiln. It was really cold this day, and I wished I had taken the alpaca scarf.

We return home and look at our tickets to figure out what time we need to be picked up from the island as my uncle and aunt will not be able to take us back to Seattle, turns out our flight is not at 8 as originally thought, but at 5 instead. And, through a series of mistakes and poor scheduling, we are not leaving the island until 11. Basically meaning that we will have maybe an hour to an hour and half in Seattle. Pissed does not begin to cover it. I really wanted to go back to Pikes Place because I wanted to pick up some things for my sister and nieces. And, I had so many things on my list to do like going up the Space Needle, visiting the Science Fiction Museum, perusing the book stores. UNHAPPY CAMPER! I let it be known that I definitely want to go to the market over everything else. Everyone promises me we can.

Wednesday
Of course, it chooses this day to rain really hard. We wait for the ferry for like half an hour in the extremely cold rain. We make it onto the ferry and across the channel. My cousin Ray is waiting for us. While Ray drives like a maniac, even he was no match for the traffic resulting from the rain. You would think that these people would be old pros at driving in the rain, but apparently no. We have MAYBE half an hour between our arrival in Seattle in and the time we will need to leave for the airport. I have repeatedly said I wanted to go to the market. If nothing else, that is what we all want to do. So, what did I do in my half hour? I saw the freaking Fremont Troll. Yeah, it is basically just this stone sculpture of a troll holding a VW Bug. UNHAPPY CAMPER!

By this point, I am quite grumpy. I just want to go home now. I want to get away from my cousin whose constant tales of Alaska have begun to try my patience. I timed it in the car. The longest she went between mentions of Alaska and/or Anchorage was 6 minutes! It was a 90 minute car trip and a 5 day trip. Everything reminded her of Alaska or needed to be compared to Alaska. My uncle's house. The view from the house. Seattle. The ferry. The mountains. The trails. Berries. Coffee. Shorts. Hats. McDonalds. Dallas. EVERYTHING. I wanted to kill her in the face by the time we returned to my apartment that night.

And wouldn't you know, my locks had not been changed. Nor had the parking lot actually been paved. Nope, some dirt was dumped into the pot holes. The locks were not changed for another two days and took almost two hours to change because the manager couldn't hire a professional to install the lock. Nope, she hired had some shady, non-English speaking guy to do it. Just this random guy with whom I could not communicate was in my apartment for two hours. Grrr.....I need to move NOW.

If you want to see more of my photos from the trip, check out my Flickr.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Oh, Jessica

I saw this video on ONTD, and it is equally horrifying and hilarious. Man, Jessic Simpson really wants you to believe she is a great singer. I mean, she makes lots of strained faces, so she must be.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

President Bush uses Little Richard as translator

OMG, this is so freaking hilarious.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Snakes on a Reality Show

I read this article and thought I would share.

Snakes on the Plane: The Reality Show?

Seeking contestants for new reality show. Must send photo with inquiry. Influenced by the movie Snakes On A Plane, a new reality series is taking form. Distribution channels are still being negotiated.

Borrowing from the momentum set by what is quickly becoming a cult classic, Snakes On A Plane, this reality show will provide drama, suspense and consequences unlike any seen on any show.

Synopsis: 20 contestants (10 male/10 female) travel by commercial aircraft to 10 different cities around the world. With the crew and pilots secure, the contestants will share the cabin area with 200 snakes. 5 of the 200 are poisonous.

Each flight will be between 5 -12 hours in length. The reward at the end of each flight will be a day spent in luxury visiting the exotic destination city. Contestants can then choose to fly 3 friends out and extend their visit for week, all expense paid OR get back on the flight for the next leg of the competition.

If at any time a contestant is bit by any of the 5 poisonous snake, antivenom will be administered and they will be eliminated. The contestant(s) that manage to survive through all 10 cities will win a reward still to be determined. Serious casting inquiries only. Contact the casting agent at lcaa_productions@yahoo.com

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I can't believe this! I don't know if this is the saddest thing ever or the most awesome.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Altoids

I am addicted. I have fought this particular addiction in the past, but now I have come full circle. I was looking at my surroundings this morning. This is the Altoid count:

Living room: two tins, empty
Bedroom: one tin, 3/4 full
Car: three tins, empty
Desk: one tin, 3/4 full

So far, I have had 6 Altoids this morning. It is only 9. Things are not looking good for my teeth. I just can't stop. I love the pepperminty shock my mouth receives each time I bite down on one.

I just ate two more.

I need help.