Instant Rewards

I love that commercial where the guy weighs, runs around the gym and then weighs again in the hopes that he has lost weight. I love it because that is what happens when I allow scales to enter my house. I weigh in the mornings. I weigh at night. I weigh pre-popcorn and post-popcorn. I weigh before and after my shower. I weigh before the exercise and after. I like seeing what the weight differences are. For instance, apparently 2 spring rolls, 10 pieces of sushi, a piece of green tea cake w/ green tea ice cream and approximately 10 glasses of tea weighs 2 pounds. I know. I checked.

This is probably how bulimia starts, huh? No worries. I simply don't have the time of the commitment level for that diet plan. Remembering to invent a reason to go to the bathroom ever time you eat? That takes planning and good memory.

Getting off track. Sorry. Anyway, I thought I would share that this morning shows the MAV as being down 7 pounds from the start of the diet. WooHoo! Don't be too amazed. Last night, I had only lost 2 pounds. But I like the sound of 7. It motivates me more. If I went off the soda for two measly pounds, I was gonna be pissed!

Ah, remember the good old days when you could just switch from butter laden mashed potatoes to ranch soaked salads and lose 5 pounds. I miss those days. Man, if I could go back and tell my college self something, it would be to not go to work at the stupid Italian restaurant. That of course would be after I told myself not to go to Baylor and to get a BFA.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness blog. Brain doesn't work too linearly in the mornings.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

Apparently, two disappointing prequels wasn't enough. Now, Star Wars will be coming to TV to disappoint loyal fans weekly. No. Really.

George Lucas will most likely not be directing the series which could be good. At least Jar Jar Binks may not assault my ears and eyes on a weekly basis. (Please, can he have died off screen in the third movie? Please? I promise to not complain about Natalie Portman's wooden acting any more if Jar Jar will just... go... away.) But how awful is this going to be? For every Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, there is a Ferris Bueller's Day Off. For every Smallville (hey, I liked early Smallville), there is a Karen Sisco. These might not be the best examples, but the point being is that remakes are seldom as pleasing to the fans as the originals.

And who will direct this Future SuckFest? Joss Whedon would be a great choice, I suppose. But he will be far to busy with his other movies (is there a comic book related movie that he isn't directing or in some way affiliated?) Kevin Smith would probably do a good job, but I don't see him coming to TV any time soon, even for Star Wars. Angel is off the air. Anyone know what David Greenwalt is doing? In my nightmare world, the show will be directed by Marti Noxon, David Kelley, McG and John Wells and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

And who will star? Oh, I hope it is some WB alum. Maybe some poster child for the cocaine and Starbucks diet like an Olsen, Hilton, Lohan or Barton.

Somewhere in that article or another, it mentioned that the show would be more of an offshoot perhaps. I guess we will see what happens when Chewie goes home for the day. Actually, the way that this could work would be to have a different show each time. Something like Wicket's story as told by Joss Whedon. Or The Further Adventures of C3PO as told by the Queer as Folk folks. That would be interesting. Getting a new take on each character and their stories.

Maybe it won't be so bad. But if The Office is any indication of American TV's ability to adapt good original material, it will most assuredly make me want to cry on a weekly basis.

New Apartment

So, I have moved into the new place. I love it. It is the perfect combination of my old house and a new spiffy apartment. Just to make people jealous, I will reveal that it has hardwoods or, as Special T pointed out, Pergo. She said kinda snobby. Like, oh, it's just Pergo. The kicker? She has Pergo. Guess she didn't want to think that some girl that gets attacked by monkeys, walks into barbed wire fences and shoots liquor bottles with a BB gun would have real hardwood floors when she didn't. Not to worry, I don't. So, Pergo floors, 2 bedrooms, new dishwasher and new gas stove. And the kicker is that it is really, REALLY cheap. For all of that. I mean, it isn't like I am getting this all for a hundred bucks or anything. But let's just say, some of my scarier apartments have been more expensive.

Anyway, interesting things I am noticing about the new place.

• My TV has decided that it would develop an ear piercing, glass shattering, nails on a chalkboard whistle.
• The windows are a weird size, and no stores carry blinds that will fit them.
• Brian Above apparently sleeps on an air mattress. Thin floors.
• Brian Above wakes up at 5:30, yet has no electricity.
• There is a rooster somewhere in my neighborhood.
• There may be a cult on my block.
• The Dallas Morning News metal standy thing only carries a single paper. One. Ever. I am not talking about one type of newspaper. No, a single paper. So, you must act fast if you want the Sunday paper.
• The Indian grocery store does not have Aquafina, but it does have Dr. Pepper.

I will keep you posted on what strange new things I discover.

I want this

Check it out. It is a scrolling belt buckle. Think of the possibilities.

Stalker Alert! Stalker Alert!

So, the Monkey Attack Victim has a problem. I have a beginner stalker. He isn't a real stalker because he lives 4 hours away and doesn't moniter all my moves. My last stalker was much more professional: surveillance, threats against the new boyfriend, public crying fits. A real pro. StalkerBoy 2.0 is not up to par. But he is costing me money. He keeps texting me. IM's and emails are one thing. I can ignore those and it is no problem. But the texts? Those are costing ME. I only get 40 a month and he has wasted approximately 20 of them already. No kidding. Plus, he is a BAD speller and typer. You know how I feel about that. Anyway, he texts me at least once a day.

"what r u doin"
"hi how r u 2day"
"hi how was work"
"well shes fnaly gone" - referring to the soon to be ex-wife
"hay how was work lol"
"hay it got real crazy here she wigged becausei told her 2 move out that our living 2gather till we get every thing done isnt working"
"first nite alone kinda sucked i was cold lol"

And many more like that. He doesn't seem to get that he has freaked me out. And that his stalking is becoming expensive. Phone calls I can not take. Emails I can delete. IM's I can block. But text messages are another matter. I get charged whether I open them or not. This is crazy. I don't want to change my number. Everyone knows it. Maybe that is the problem. Perhaps a change is in store.

Why do only the crazy ones want me?

Homosexual, Handicapped Sex

So, here is an actual conversation I had with Yoshi this morning.

Yoshi: How do you feel about sex with the handicapped?
Monkey Attack Victim: What is their handicap?
Yoshi: They are in a wheelchair, and cannot move nor control their legs or lower extremities.
Yoshi: Although they can still consent, feel, and have an erection.
MAV: New boyfriend?
Yoshi: LOL no.
Yoshi: I think I would feel bad. I mean, even though they are consenting, I feel that just knowing I can do whatever I want to them and they cannot do anything about it, would make me feel as though I am violating them.
MAV: If they are wanting it and you are attracted to them and willing, then I see no problem.
MAV: How would that exactly work as a gay man?
MAV: Can you draw a diagram?
Yoshi: I have no idea. I guess you could flip them on their stomach and go to town. But the fact they couldn't move around would make it feel as if I am raping them. That is sad.
Yoshi: My sex diagram skills are not quite as good as they used to be, I'm sorry.
Yoshi: I am attempting to use better punctuation with you. Please forgive me if I "over-comma".
Yoshi: I call it "commatizing".
MAV: Ha ha ha.
MAV: Can they move their hips?
MAV: Or is the entire pelvis region immobile?
Yoshi: I don't know. This is a hypothetical conversation. It came up when I met a guy this weekend who helps handicapped people find a job. Then we started talking about wheelchairs at the beach, etc.
Yoshi: The entire pelvis region is immobile.
MAV: Although, based on my knowledge of homosexual sex gained through Queer as Folk, I guess the missionary position is still a possiblity. But basically, you will always be doing most of the work.
Yoshi: Hahahaha.
Yoshi: That is hilarious.
Yoshi: Sadly, it IS a lot like Queer as Folk (on Showtime).
MAV: But, your handicapped boyfriend would still have handjob and blowjob capabilities. So I really see no major problem.
Yoshi: But, do you think sex with handicapped individuals (or more if its a big ol cripple-orgy) is acceptable? Or should the handicapped keep sex within their own kind.
MAV: Well, I think that everyone should be able to experience physical pleasure. As long as both parties are consenting, willing, excited adults, then I see no problem with it.
MAV: That being said, it might be easier with another handicapped person since that person would share a lot of your fears, insecurities, needs, etc.
MAV: But you couldn't exactly have two parapalegics having sex. That just doesn't seem like it would work. If we are talking paralysis, you would definately need at least one mobile party.
MAV: But I suppose a parapalegic could get it on with like a midget.
MAV: Or a blind or deaf person.
Yoshi: Yeah. Hmmmmm
Yoshi: I guess they deserve to have sex too. Personally though, I do not think I could do it. I would feel like it is violating them somehow. I guess because I know what positions I like, and I would put them in those positions regardless. Really, what are they going to do? I can always act like I did not hear them say "No", or that they didn't use the "safety" word, agreed upon beforehand, and that "No" was ok.
MAV: Perhaps there is a form that gets filled out.
MAV: So what positions exactly do you insist upon?
MAV: Once again, needing diagrams.
Yoshi: LOL. I think you just want diagrams.
Yoshi: Maybe you could make a flash thingy. Where you choose your sexual positions, or place them in order of preference.
MAV: A description will do.
Yoshi: It would need to be animated though, so you can see the movements involved.
MAV: Can they be stick figures?
Yoshi: Sure.
MAV: But I only know straight people positions. Are they different w/ two boys?
Yoshi: Nope, they are just the same. Although boy positions seem to revolve more around doggy style.
MAV: Obviously. It's the easiest.
MAV: Accesswise.
Yoshi: I have not quite figured out why though. And there is also a lot of "on your back, legs in the air" going on.
Yoshi: Hahaha
MAV: It's the reason why missionary is so popular. Though doggy style (and boy does that need a new name) does feel better. Is it the same with you?
MAV: Though I have never had modified anal missionary sex.
MAV: That just seems to never come up.
Yoshi: Missionary is not that popular in the gay world.
Yoshi: But most gay sex is either in orgies where more than one person is involved. or in a bathroom.
MAV: Brian and Justin seem to enjoy it.
Yoshi: Oh I don't think I know them.
MAV: From Queer as Folk?

At this point, I realized that I needed to actually do some work and stop imaginaning homosexual handicapped sex.

Who's the Biggest Geek Now?!?!

I have just outgeeked The Diva. I am IMing from my bathroom while I put on my makeup.

Who's the geekiest now?

Anna Nicole Smith

So has everyone seen that Anna Nicole Smith commercial for Trim Spa where she is coming from "surfing?" I am calling bullshit. No way in hell that Anna Nicole surfs. First, surfing requires a level of balance I don't think that strung out fame whore possesses. Second, that water is frigging cold. I don't think her implants could handle such temperatures without freezing and shattering.

Yeah, no way she surfs.

Dirty dirty vices

Okay, so this is the morning of vices. I am watching old episodes of Melrose Place on SoapNet, eating awesomely bad for you eggs, made a run out to my car in my jammies, and reading blogs. I have also partaken in some reality TV viewing like Newlyweds and Ashlee Simpson.

I am really wishing that I could make this awesomely naughty (in a nice way) morning even better with some chocolate cake and soda. That would rock.

Okay, here it is

I haven't posted in a while. I kind of feel bad about that. Not because I think I have faithful readers that are poised anxiously in front of their computer screens, gnawing their fingers into bloody nubs, murmuring "Let there be something new. Let today be the day," but because I have things that I need to/should talk about, but don't know that I should open that floodgate.

My mother passed away a couple of weeks ago. It was rather sudden and took everyone by complete surprise. Severe asthma attack followed by 3 cardiac arrests which damaged her brain too severely to function. So to say that things have been tough recently would be a bit of an understatement.

I love my mom a great deal. The idea of her being gone is something that simply makes no sense to me. I guess the realization has not fully sank in yet. It creeps in a little each day. I will be watching TV and enjoying the newest episode of Lost, and I will think, "hey, I should call Mom and see if she thinks they will kill Boone off." Then I will remember that I can't. Or I will have a question like how do you get the fabric softener stain out of clothes you have already dried. My mom would know, but I can't call her.

It's weird having to learn how to not have a mom anymore. I have to remember that it is just my Dad's house now. I have to know where important papers are (like the title to my car. Where in the world is that?). Lots of little things that most people never, ever think about, I now have to.

I don't really know how to be around people the same anymore. Or myself for that reason. Is it bad that I am happy at this moment? Should I be more sad? Should I not be so sad? Should I be able to go all day without thinking about it? Should I think about it more? Did I think about it today? And then there's being around other people. I want to, then I don't. I will be somewhere and it will be going great, then suddenly something happens or something is said that makes me want to just get away. But then there are times when I can't stand to be alone. I hate driving. Well, I have always hated driving because it is boring and seems like a huge waste of time. But now, I hate it because it gives me time alone with nothing but my thoughts. I want to visit my family more, but I can't stand the thought of being alone for that long. There are times when I want to talk about it. Catch me when I am looking sad. I will probably talk then. But there are times when I am okay or happy, and I don't want to think about it right then.

There is no rhyme or reason for how I will feel or when it will occur. It is frustrating. I am probably bugging people by calling so much. But like I said, I hate being alone in the car. I need to talk to someone so I will not start thinking about it. Because crying and driving? Not the best combo. Poor Wes. I was talking to him the other night. He didn't sound so good and actually moaned at one point. When I asked what was going on, he was like oh, I think I have food poisoning. But he knew I needed to talk, so he was staying on the phone. I gave him permission to hang up and puke. Because of the food poisoning, not because he had conversed with me.

So there it is. I am screwed up right now. My moods are all over the place. I started crying at work because I saw the first family photo without my mom in it. But then I go really long stretches of feeling fine. It is all very confusing. But overall, I think I am doing okay.